Like the vaults of Al Capone, Star Trek's Enterprise* finale (It was all on the Holodeck!), and Dexter’s final transformation into a . . . lumberjack?! Michael Phelps' hyper-hyped "race with a great white shark" turned out to be a fraud of presidential proportions.
The hour-long Discovery Channel's Shark Week centerpiece continued the build-up for three-quarters of the show before revealing the miserable fact that there was no actual shark involved.
"Clearly, we can't put Michael in one lane and a shark in the far lane," explained a Dr. Tristan Guttridge, a shark expert involved in the show, to the Hollywood Reporter. "We have to do simulation. We'll use our speed data that we've [collected] in all our testing."
Oh. Of course. We understand completely. FUUUUUCK YOUUUU!
Worse yet, we did not even get to see him race a pool full of mutated bass with frickin' laser beams strapped to their heads. We did not even get to see Left Shark kick him in his balls, as justice demands. We did not even get to see him jump over a ring of random buoys on water skis.
It was a shameful day for Shark Week, and for Baltimore, and for America.
*An earlier version of this post misstated the Star Trek series as Next Generation. City Paper regrets the error.